


Murphy family drabbles

by momentsintimex



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Family Dynamics, Gen, I think that's it? - Freeform, connor does eventually die, just little drabbles through the years, larry isn't that great, sibling relationships, zoe and connor's relationship shift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-15 06:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12315549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: little one-shots/drabbles of the Murphy family through the years leading up to Connor's death





	1. the orchard

**Author's Note:**

> in frustration with a DEH fic i've been working on for weeks (months, maybe?) i was struck with inspiration of writing little one-shots/drabbles about the Murphy family as the children grew up and Connor's behavior began to change. it spiraled into these 12 works over the last few weeks and helped me break through some writer's block/indecisions. i thought i would share them! any warnings/Connor and Zoe's ages will be at the beginning of each chapter :)

_Connor (6), Zoe (5)_

Cynthia Murphy holds a 6-year-old Connor’s hand in hers as they walk through the fields of apple trees, Larry and a 5-year-old Zoe skipping ahead in front of them. With the weather changing and the summer heat finally leaving in favor of Fall and much cooler temperatures, Cynthia had suggested going on a picnic at the orchard to let the kids run around and burn off some energy.

All Connor had been talking about all week was flying the new toy airplane he and his dad bought together a few weekends ago. He brought it up at every dinner, asking how many more days until their family day out when he’d finally be able to fly the plane for the first time.

“Connor, come and sit down please,” Cynthia says after they’ve laid the blanket out, watching her son attempt to make a run for some open space with his airplane and the remote control in hand. “You have to eat some lunch first, and then you can go fly the plane,” She says, a smile on her face.

Connor frowns, his head and shoulders falling as he walks back towards his family, falling onto the blanket in between Zoe and his father. “We’ll fly it right after lunch, buddy,” Larry says with a smile, patting his son’s back comfortingly.

Cynthia has to remind Connor multiple times throughout the meal to take smaller bites, telling him that no one is going to take his food. “You’re going to choke if you keep taking big bites like that, baby,” She smiles, and Connor sighs as he nods, taking smaller bites of his sandwich.

“I finished, Mom. Can I please go fly my plane now?” Connor asks exhaustingly, Cynthia smiling at her son.

Her eyes shift from her son to his now empty plate in front of him, glancing at Larry as she nods. “Go, baby. But please don’t go out of our sight and be careful!” She calls, although she finds that it’s a lost cause when Connor is long gone by the time she’s finished her sentence.

Larry finishes up his own lunch before going to join Connor, the two of them flying the new airplane that Connor had been desperate to try. Zoe sticks closer to the blanket, picking wildflowers as Cynthia watches on.

It’s the perfect afternoon, Cynthia decides. The sun isn’t too warm, but it’s still shining. They’ve managed to find a spot in the orchard that not many other people are at, and her children are happier than she thinks they’ve ever been before. She wants to bottle up this moment, remember it for when her children are older and this little tradition is a thing of the past.

“Mom, can you hold these?” Zoe asks, running over as she sets the flowers down in her mother’s hand, smiling.

“You know, Zo, we can braid them into your hair if you want,” She offers, watching Zoe’s face light up at her words.

Zoe sits herself down in front of her mother, Cynthia carefully and skillfully weaving the flowers Zoe had picked into her daughter’s hair, redoing the French braids to make sure that they stayed. The 5 year old sat diligently, her face lighting up when she sees a photo that her mom had taken on her phone to show Zoe.

“It’s so pretty, Mommy! I’m going to go show Daddy and Connor!” She says, standing up and running in the direction of her father and brother, Cynthia beginning to pack up their things as they near the end of their perfect afternoon.

She’s interrupted by crying, looking up to see Connor running towards her falling into her arms. It takes her a moment before she’s braced herself, wrapping her arms around her little boy as she struggles to get him to calm down. “Connor baby, big deep breaths. Come on, breath with Mama. You’re going to make yourself sick,” She soothes, rubbing his back and swaying side to side.

She glances at her husband, who only sighs as he holds up the remote control to the airplane, but no airplane. She can fit the pieces of the puzzle together, sighing when she feels Connor pull his head from her chest. “Do you want to tell me what has you so upset?” She asks, brushing a few tears away from under Connor’s eyes.

Connor sighs, hiccuping as he sucks his bottom lip in, hastily wiping at his eyes. “The plane ended up in the pond!” He wails, fresh tears falling down his face at a rapid pace.

“It made an emergency landing, Connor,” Larry interjects, trying to make light of the situation. Zoe watches in terror, pressed against her father’s leg as she stares wide-eyed at her older brother against her mother’s lap.

Connor only cries harder at his father’s words, his head falling back in the most dramatic of fashions. “It’s gone, Daddy!” He whines, Larry frowning at his son as he mutters an apology.

“Connor, look at me,” Cynthia says, her voice even as she holds her eldest on her lap. Connor reluctantly looks at her, toying with the hem of his shirt as he sighs, letting her wipe some tears away. “Things can be replaced, baby. It was an accident, no one meant to fly it into the pond,” She says coolly, wondering if a 5 year old could even comprehend this.

“You are not hurt, and that is the most important thing. We can always replace the plane, okay?” She says, Connor nodding as he hiccups again, rubbing at his eyes once more. “Big deep breaths, there’s no need to cry over this, baby,” She soothes, Connor resting his head in the crook of her neck.

She waits a moment until she feels him calm down, kissing his forehead lightly. “It’s getting late, why don’t we go home so we can get cleaned up and get something for dinner. Sound like a good idea?” She asks, looking around to her family.

She’s met with agreement, which is more than satisfactory for her as she lets Connor stand up off her lap, gathering the blankets and basket so they could make their way back to the car.

Connor doesn’t let go of her hand until he has to climb up into his seat, letting her make sure that he was buckled in right.

“Mama, are we going to get a new airplane?” Connor asks, twisting his hair around his finger as Larry makes the short journey back home.

Cynthia turns around to look at her son, smiling softly. “We’ll see if they still have them, baby,” She compromises, thankful when Connor doesn’t press the issue any further.

Larry’s only slightly upset when his wife runs out the following day with their son to replace the airplane, but he doesn’t say much about it.

Connor is happy, and the two of them watch from the kitchen window as he spends hours flying it around the backyard, this time with much more successful landings than the one at the orchard the previous day.


	2. hiking adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where the Murphy family takes a family vacation to the national parks, and Connor and Zoe have different opinions about it.

_Connor (7)/Zoe (6)_

The Murphy family Summer vacation brings them out west to the national parks for the summer, and much to Cynthia and Larry’s surprise, both kids seem to thoroughly enjoy it. Cynthia had been worried that they were too young to appreciate the beauty of a national park and all that they had to offer, although Larry’s insistence led them to the one place that had been on his bucket list.

“Mama, are we going to climb all the way up to the top of the mountain?” Connor asks, pressing the stick he had found in the front yard of their cabin into the soft dirt. Connor had been in his element all weekend, soaking in the nature and good weather surrounding them.

Cynthia smiles, handing her 7 year old a water bottle as she pushes his hair back away from his forehead. “Not all the way to the top, baby. I think you and Zoe are a little too young for that,” She says, Connor’s bottom lip jutting out. “But Dad found a really cool waterfall that we’re going to hike up to, and maybe you and Zoe can go swimming in it before we come back home,” She says, laughing when Connor seems to perk up at that.

Connor had been the Murphy’s nature child. He had loved venturing through trails near their house, and was always reading about the animals that lived in the wild both near them and on other continents. Most of their bedtime stories involved some sort of animal, and truthfully it was one of the most amazing things to watch for Larry and Cynthia. Connor was so passionate that Cynthia would often joke that his life was going to revolve around animals when he was older.

Zoe on the other hand hadn’t been into nature as much as her brother. She had often shied away from doing anything involving going on hikes, and a family vacation that involved all nature all the time was practically her nightmare. She was their little dancer, fully invested in tap and ballet as if her life depended on it.

Connor had always teased her when they would play outside together, picking up all the bugs that grossed her out just to get a rise out of her. It often led to a warning from their parents, but both children ended up laughing about it in the end.

Larry led the way on the trail with Connor just behind him, the 7 year old only stopping when a sign would come along, information about the sights in front of them written on them. He took his time reading them, and as Larry desperately tried not to lash out at his son that they needed to keep moving, he found it difficult to not help him read a little faster.

“Daddy, how much longer?” Zoe whines, pushing her hair away from her face in frustration. Cynthia comes over to re-tie it up and throw a headband on, handing both of her children water bottles as they savor the break.

“Not too much longer, baby. Do you hear the waterfall in the distance?” He asks, both kids perking up to listen for the water, lighting up when they’re finally able to.

Connor stands up from the rock he had been sitting on, holding out his hand in Zoe’s direction. “Come on, Zoe! Let’s go find it!” He says excitedly, his sister taking his hand as they begin back on their journey through the woods of the national park.

Cynthia takes far too many photos of their children, trailing behind as she snaps memories of them holding hands, reading each and every sign with information on them on their trek. It’s a sweet moment, and one that Cynthia is positive will be replaced in a few hours by bickering when they’re far too tired after a long day.

She saves one photo as her background before shoving the phone in her backpack, living in the moment with her little family. It had been the one trip that she had been looking forward to, and with both children getting along and enjoying their time, she felt like she needed to embrace and enjoy that.

The gasps from Connor and Zoe as the waterfall comes into view makes the nearly 2 hour hike with two small children worth it, the water serene and rainbows casting through the mist. Cynthia thinks she could cry just looking at it, but nothing will top the way her two kids stare at it as if it’s one of the wonders of the world.

Connor turns back to where his parents had been standing, his eyes wide with wonder, the light blue replaced by his pupils only getting wider. “It’s so big,” He whispers, Larry laughing as he reaches forward, patting his son on the shoulder.

“That it is, buddy,” He mumbles, Cynthia pulling Zoe closer to her. “Do you two want to go swimming?” Larry offers, Connor immediately nodding.

Zoe chews on her bottom lip, letting go of Connor’s hand so he can strip off his t-shirt while he waits for his father to be ready. Cynthia sets her backpack down at her feet, bending down to her daughter’s height.

“What’s wrong, my baby?” Cynthia asks, brushing the wisps of hair away from her little face, Zoe’s cheeks tinted red from the hike and the sun that had been peeking through the trees for most of the afternoon.

Zoe only sighs, glancing back at the waterfall as Connor and Larry slowly walk into the water among other tourists, Connor’s hand firmly grasped in his father’s. “I don't want to go near the waterfall,” She mumbles, just barely loud enough for Cynthia to hear.

Cynthia smiles, reaching out to take Zoe’s much smaller hands in hers. “Zoe, honey, you don’t have to go anywhere near the waterfall if you don’t want to. Connor and Daddy aren’t going any further than they are right now.”

“Are you going to come in?” Zoe asks, Cynthia shaking her head. “I want to stay here then!” She cries, her arms clasping around Cynthia’s neck in fear.

“Okay, alright,” Cynthia soothes, rubbing Zoe’s back. “how about we just put our feet in then, right here?” She compromises, Zoe nodding as she lets go, reaching out for Cynthia’s hand as soon as she’s standing up.

Zoe and Cynthia end up going in up to Zoe’s knees, her grasp getting tighter on her mother’s hand with each step. Cynthia celebrates each little step, earning laughs from Zoe each time.

Larry ends up carrying Zoe back to the cabin when they finally get out of the water, her hands wrapping around his neck as she hangs off his back. The walk back goes much faster, although Connor points out all the animals and bugs he sees, only having to be told to stop picking them up a handful of times.

“Mama, are we going to go hiking again tomorrow?” Connor asks quietly as Larry takes Zoe down the hall to nap in her bed.

Cynthia smiles, putting things from their bags away after handing Connor his snack. “Probably not tomorrow, buddy. Daddy found a really cool place online that says we can go swimming and all kinds of activities! It’ll be fun!” She says, Connor nodding as he finishes up his snack, going down to his and Zoe’s room to have quiet time himself.

The annual vacations are what keep the Murphy’s going, but Cynthia has to say that this seems to be her favorite one. Connor is blissfully happy being one with nature and not having anything else around him, and even Zoe seems excited about it, holding Connor’s hand and reading all of the signs right along with him.

She’s taken enough photos to last them a lifetime, and while the trip would be coming to an end and they’d slip back into their routine at home, they’d always have the memories.  
Cynthia doesn’t ever want to forget the joy on her children’s face the entire week as they tried new things and saw everything that they had wanted to see, and she knows Larry will want to remember everything as well.

They arrive back home and the photos from Cynthia’s phone immediately go into frames, plastered around the house and in Larry’s office at work.

It’s the most amazing memories of the most amazing trip, and they’re already counting down the days until their next adventure together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the response on the first chapter! i'm going to try to update every day from here on out, sorry about not putting one up yesterday! :)


	3. grazed knees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where Connor accidentally causes Zoe to get hurt, but makes it up to her in the end

_Connor (8)/Zoe (7)_

“You better run, Zoe! The scary monster is going to get you if you don’t!” Connor shouts, Zoe squealing as she stands up from her place on their outdated swingset, running around their backyard.

Cynthia watches from the kitchen window as Zoe stumbles through the grass, Connor chasing behind her with his foam sword he won at the state fair a few nights before. It’s a sight she loves to see, especially after the transition they had been going through over the last few weeks.

Their once inseparable children had begun their bickering phase, and while Connor had wanted some independence away from his sister and have his own set of friends, Zoe wasn’t ready to let her brother just spend less time with her. It had caused tension, and on more than one occasion Cynthia finds herself having to put at least one of her children in time out.

Connor laughs as he slowly begins catching up to Zoe, who’s been running circles around the same old oak tree in their backyard in an effort to trip up her brother. “I’m gonna get you, Zoe! I’m getting closer!” Connor yells, reaching out with his sword as Zoe screams louder, looking back over her shoulder at her brother, who was now closer than ever.

Just as Connor reaches out to hit Zoe with his sword Zoe’s feet get caught in a root from the old oak tree, sending her tumbling to the ground. Connor skids along the dirt just behind his sister, stumbling over his own two feet as he runs the rest of the way to bend down next to her.

“Zoe, are you okay?” He asks, Zoe rolling over to look at her older brother.

Her once bright hazel eyes had been replaces by a sullen green, tears spilling over without any remorse. Connor frowns, sticking his hand out for her to take as he helps her sit up. “What hurts?” He asks, sitting down in the dirt across from his sister as she wails, grabbing her knee.

“I cut it!” She cries, her head falling back in dramatic fashion. If Connor hadn’t been so scared that he was going to get in trouble he would’ve been annoyed because he was positive it didn’t hurt Zoe nearly as much as she had been carrying on about it.

Connor leans forward slightly, inspecting his little sister’s knee, noticing the graze. It was bleeding, and while he thinks he would’ve just gotten up and made his way inside, Zoe didn’t seem to be making any attempts to do so. “I’ll go get Mom,” He mumbles, standing up from his spot and running towards the back door, his sword abandoned long ago on the other side of the tree.

“Mom!” Connor yells as he pulls open the sliding glass door into the kitchen, Cynthia looking over. “Zoe fell over the root in the tree and she hurt her knee,” He explains quickly, Cynthia’s eyes widening as she sets her dish towel down, following her oldest out the back door and rushing across the yard to where Zoe had been sitting.

“Baby, what happened?” Cynthia asks, crouching down to her daughter’s height. Zoe had always been one for dramatics, but this seems to be one of the best performances she’s seen from her in a long time.

Zoe hiccups, looking back at her mom as the tears continue to fall at an alarming rate. “Connor was chasing me and I tripped over the tree and fell!” She wails, Connor’s jaw falling open as he looks at his sister.

“We were playing a game!” He argues, sinking back when Cynthia gives him a look that tells him to stay out of it, and that she’d deal with him later.

Eventually Cynthia convinces Zoe that she’s not dying from her grazed knee, helping her stand up and hobble back into the house so they can bandage her up and get her back out playing. Connor trails behind them and moves around the kitchen while listening to his sister cry from her spot on the counter, the antiseptic gently going over her knee as Cynthia tries to calm her down.

Connor feels bad about what happened really, and in his 8 year old mind he can only think about how his sister had gotten hurt because he had been chasing her, and he knows he could’ve done something differently to have stopped this from happening.

Cynthia can hear the freezer door open behind her, sighing as she reaches for the box of bandaids. “Connor, what are you doing, sweetheart?” She calls, hearing his feet pad against the cool hardwood floor.

Connor stands at his mother’s side with a popsicle in his hand, smiling back at her. “I feel bad that it’s my fault Zoe got hurt, so I got her a popsicle. Can I give it to her?” He asks, giving the best puppy dog eyes that he could muster.

Cynthia sighs but gives her son a smile, finishing applying the bandaids to her daughter’s knee before shifting her attention to Connor. “That was very nice of you, baby,” She says, reaching out to ruffle his sweaty hair. “Zoe, do you want the popsicle your brother got for you?”

Zoe chews on her bottom lip as her eyes dart between her brother and mother, hiccuping after her dramatics just a few minutes before. She nods, and Cynthia takes the popsicle from her son’s hand to open for her daughter.

“Now, why don’t you two go watch some TV while I cook dinner, Zoe I’ll get you some ice to put on your knee, okay?” Cynthia smiles, both children nodding as they make their way out into the living room, Cynthia helping Zoe get situated on the sofa as she puts the ice over her knee, Connor laying next to her.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Zoe. I didn’t mean to,” Connor sighs, Zoe looking over at her brother as she sighs.

“I know, Connor. It’s okay,” She promises, and the two of them leave it at that.  
Cynthia keeps an eye on them from the kitchen as she continues getting dinner ready, and for the first time in weeks she’s content with the quietness from the other room. There’s no bickering between the kids, and while they did have one little spot of drama, it wasn’t on purpose.

If she was praying that every day would be filled with her children getting along like this for the rest of the summer, she certainly didn’t admit it out loud, not wanting to jinx it in any way.


	4. flu season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where flu season comes around, relationships begin to change, and Connor wants to prove he's not a baby

_Connor (10)/Zoe (9)_

Flu season had started full swing as the seasons began to change, and Cynthia’s optimism that they would somehow avoid the plague that had been spreading around school and church wasn’t enough to stop Connor and Zoe from contracting the illness.

Zoe comes down with a fever first, her body covered in sweat as she pulls as many blankets as she could over her body. Cynthia quarantines Zoe into her bedroom, bringing up her laptop for her to watch movies on in an effort to keep the germs from spreading throughout the entire house.

“Connor, you need to leave Zoe alone. She doesn’t feel well and needs to rest, not have you standing in her doorway bothering her,” Cynthia sighs as she makes her way upstairs with more medicine, finding her son in his sister’s doorway.

Connor turns back to where his mother is now standing, pouting as his head falls. “But she gets to watch all the good movies! I want to watch with her.”

Cynthia gives him a soft smile, reaching out with her free hand to ruffle his hair. “I’ll put on a movie for you downstairs, but I don’t want you getting sick,” She says quietly, Connor nodding.

She hears his footsteps all the way down the stairs, tending to Zoe before she goes down to help him.

All the efforts in the world that Cynthia and Larry had gone through to keep their kids separated and stop the flu from spreading between them weren’t effective, and Connor wakes up the following morning with a fever and chills shivering down his spine.

Cynthia sighs, resting her hand against his forehead as he pulls his blankets up underneath his chin. “You and Zoe are both going to have to stay home today, sweetheart. I’ll get you some medicine and something to eat and I’ll be right back,” She promises, Connor nodding as the coughs rack his body, shoving his head into the blankets as he catches his breath.

Cynthia manages to get both kids to the doctor with the help of Larry, and they’re sent home with strict orders to rest and let the illness run it’s course.

“Are you okay if I go back to the office and get a few things? I’ll come home and help you with them right after this meeting,” Larry asks once both kids are settled on the sofa, leaning against the counter where his wife had started on making them lunch.

Cynthia sighs, looking back into the living room when she hears one of them coughing. “I’ll be fine. I’m just going to try to get them to eat something and put on a movie. I’ll be fine without you if you need to go back in,” She says, although Larry can hear the apprehensiveness in her voice.

He leaves without another word, kissing both of his children on the forehead before slipping back out the front door quietly. Cynthia tries not to be disappointed that her husband can’t even stay home when both of their children are sick and miserable and she needs all the help she can get.

She carries the two bowls of soup out to the living room, setting them on the coffee table as she helps both kids sit up. “Eat as much as you can and then I’ll put on a movie for the two of you, okay?” She says, both kids nodding as they set the soup on their laps.

Cynthia hovers, the normal worrying as a mother overtaking her body as she watches both kids pitifully eat their soup as best as they can. It’s Zoe that gives up first, her once lively demeanor replaced by one that is sullen and subdued, and it takes everything Cynthia has to not run to the ends of the Earth to make her children feel better.

She turns on a movie for the two of them, carrying their bowls to the kitchen and cleaning up. “Mom, will you lay with us while we watch the movie?” Zoe asks when Cynthia walks back into the room with cool washcloths for their head, Cynthia sighing.

She looks between both of her children, and while she doesn’t see any protest from Connor she also doesn’t know how he would feel about it. He was 10 now, and with that age came the fierce will to prove that he wasn’t a baby who needed his mom.

But right now he seemed so much like the little boy she once knew. He looked exhausted, dark purple circles under his eyes and all the color drained from his face. Each move from him was sluggish and calculated, and Cynthia knew that both of them were aching like never before.

She takes a deep breath, nodding. “I’ll sit in between the both of you for a little bit. But I want both of you to try to sleep, okay?” She bargains, both kids nodding as they shuffle their feet, letting Cynthia sit down.

Zoe’s head immediately falls into her lap, curling up as close as she can against her. Connor doesn’t make any moves initially, and Cynthia can’t say she’s surprised. Instead she rests her one hand in Zoe’s hair and her other on Connor’s leg, praying it was bringing both of them comfort when they’re so miserable.

“Everything hurts, Mom,” Zoe whines, moaning pitifully after coughing.

Cynthia sighs, leaning down to kiss her head. “I know, baby. Just try to sleep, okay? When you wake up you can have some more medicine, but you need rest to get better,” She says softly, not surprised when Zoe only seems to whine more.

Eventually she dozes off against her mother’s legs, snores escaping her stuffy body as she finally finds some comfort when the medicine kicks in. Cynthia glances at Connor every so often, his eyes blinking heavily as he fights the sleep. She wants so desperately to say something, tell him to let his body rest and fight the flu without him trying to fight it, but she doesn’t.

Things had been so tense with Connor lately that she doesn’t want him to be upset with her, and so she waits until he asks her for help, asks her to make him feel better even more than she already had.

What she isn’t expecting is for Connor to shift to lay against her shoulder, his warm forehead pressing against her shirt. “I feel so sick,” He whispers, his voice hoarse as he pulls the blankets closer. “Mom, there’s nothing else I can take?” He asks, Cynthia reaching out to rest her hand against his leg.

“Not right now, my love. Just try to sleep, okay? It’ll help you feel better and when you wake up I’ll give you and Zoe both something to help with your fevers,” She says softly, feeling Connor nod against her finally letting his eyes close without fighting it.

Larry returns home at normal time and finds the three of them in the same position, Cynthia flipping between movies for the kids now that they’re awake again. She looks at him but doesn’t say anything, and somehow that says more than enough in this situation.

The Disney movie marathons last for the rest of the school week as the flu slowly starts to leave them, and each day Larry goes to work as if everything is fine at home. Zoe and Connor can sense the tension between their parents but don’t say anything, and it’s the first time the kids have bonded over something in what feels like years.

Cynthia plans to never let her children know how upset she was with her husband that week, and as she sends them back to school the following week as if nothing had happened.

Connor feels the tension in the house from that week on, and while he knows he and Zoe couldn’t control that they had gotten sick at the same time, he can’t help but think that they’re the reason this is all beginning to happen.

He doesn’t say anything, but instead slips back into the family dynamic even more than normal, wondering if things would get better again if he helped everything changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading/leaving kudos/comments :)


	5. baseball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where Connor decides he doesn't want to play baseball anymore, leaving a less than desirable reaction from Larry

_Connor (11)/Zoe (10)_

Connor knew his decision to quit baseball wasn’t going to go over well with his parents. It had been the one thing he had been clinging onto for years, the one thing that seemed to bond him and Larry together after all these years when so many things had began to change.

Larry brings up the topic at dinner one night, mentioning how they had to make sure to get the sign-up in on time. Connor sucks in his breath, twirling his pasta around with his fork as he leans his head on his hand.

“Actually, I don’t think I want to play baseball this year,” He says quietly, and he can feel the mood shift in the room. He refuses to look up from his plate, not wanting to see how disappointed his family was that he had just said that.

He can hear his mother sigh, and Larry’s glass hits the wood table alarmingly loud. Connor thinks his dad is trying not to freak out like he has been lately with most things Connor has been doing. “Connor, sweetheart, why don’t you want to play?” Cynthia asks softly, watching her son with concern.

Connor hates the voice is mother is putting on. The one where she acts like everything is fine despite being fully aware that it isn’t, and probably hasn’t been for a while. She’s been trying to hold him together for months, and the shift in his behavior has her more worried than she’s ever said out loud.

He takes a deep breath, shrugging as his fingers twist his hair nervously. “I just don’t like it anymore, I don’t know. It’s not fun for me. It hasn’t been for a while,” He says, fully expecting Larry to explode, saying something about how he doesn’t do anything anymore, and quitting everything is making things worse.

He doesn’t say anything though, but Connor finds the courage to look up, glancing over at him. Larry’s lips are pursed in a tight line, his eyes narrowed at his wine glass in front of him. Connor wants desperately to yell at him, tell him to say what’s on his mind, but he doesn’t. He slinks back in his chair, his eyes staring blankly at Zoe sitting across from him, who’s been quiet throughout the whole thing.

“If you don’t want to play you don’t have to,” Cynthia says quietly, although the disappointment is etched through her voice. Connor wants to be upset that they’re disappointed, but for some reason his mind won’t let him, and it’s a lot for him to try and comprehend.

Instead he just nods, pushing his bangs off of his forehead, letting his fork fall to his plate. “Can I go to my room?” He asks quietly, Cynthia nodding.

Connor disappears up to his room without another word, shutting his door behind him. He feels like he should cry, he wants to feel something, _anything_ that would make him remorseful that he had just ruined the one tradition he and his father still had left. But instead he only wants to throw something and scream at the top of his lungs, begging someone to help him understand why he doesn’t feel like he thinks he should anymore, and why everything had changed.

Zoe walks past his room and into the bathroom to shower, and Connor sinks down against his door, begging to feel something when it feels like no one else cares about him. It’s not long before he hears the fighting downstairs, his head slamming back against the old wood door in frustration that he had caused this.

“We can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, Larry!” Cynthia says, clearly frustrated as she cleans things up from dinner.

Larry stays perched at his seat at the table, his phone falling to the table. “Baseball is the one thing I had left in common with him, Cynthia! He’s loved it every other year, why suddenly this year is he saying he hates it and he doesn’t want to do it?” He retorts, his eyes like daggers as he watches his wife move around the kitchen.

Cynthia tosses the napkins in her hand onto the counter, taking a deep breath in an effort to not blow up at her husband when her children are upstairs and can hear. “I don’t know, Larry. Maybe he hasn’t liked it for a while, maybe this was finally the year he figured out that he doesn’t have to keep doing it. We don’t really know what’s going on with Connor anymore.”

Larry laughs at that, shaking his head. “We haven’t known what’s going on with Connor for months. It’s like he’s a completely different person! It needs to stop, he needs to do something. What am I going to do to bond with him now?”

“You find something else to bond with him. You need to show him that even though he doesn’t want to do the one sport he’s always done with you anymore, you still love him and support him with anything you want to do. He’s your son, Larry. Not a stranger that you can just ignore.”

Larry stands up from the table abruptly, slamming his chair against it as he pushes it back in. Cynthia flinches, but her lame attempt to stop her husband from storming off go unnoticed as his feet trail up the steps.

Connor’s moved to his bed now, his lanky body curled up in a ball on top of his comforter, staring out his window. He likes to watch the trees behind his house when he feels like this, the branches swaying methodically in the breeze to help guide his breathing.

He barely notices his door open, and when he doesn’t move to see who it was Larry wonders if he’s fallen asleep. He thinks about waking him up, telling him to change out of his jeans and into pajamas, but he’s too mad about things to have confidence that he won’t blow up at his son when they come face to face.

“Connor, are you awake?” He asks after a moment, and Connor muffles some sort of response indicating that he is listening. “Look, if you don’t want to do baseball, you don’t have to. Your mother and I won’t force you,” He says quietly, but Connor can sense that there’s more that he wants to say.

“But you’re not just not doing nothing, Connor. You need to find something to join, I don’t care that you say you don’t like anything. There has to be something. You’re 11, you have to have something you want to do or join rather than laying around in your room all day like you have been doing.”

Larry leaves his room without another word, but the tone in his voice lingers in Connor’s mind for what feels like hours, wondering if it was possible to hear his father more disappointed than he was in that moment.

Connor cries himself to sleep that night, too lazy to change out of his school clothes. The branches blowing in the wind are long forgotten about, and his body racks with sobs as he tries to understand what had made him feel this way and had him disappointing his family more than he ever has before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything kind of takes a turn from here! thank you for reading :)


	6. ski trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where the Murphy's go on their annual ski trip with the Harris', and Connor hates it

_Connor (12)/Zoe (11)_

The annual ski trip with the Harris’ comes around on winter break for the kids, and Connor wishes he could be anywhere but in the cabin they had rented for the week. He feels bad that he’s so ungrateful, because most kids dream of being able to stay somewhere like where they are and having a week to ski, but Connor doesn’t care. He wants to go home, where he doesn't have to be suffocated by his family and their friends at every waking moment.

He and Zoe are sharing a room for the trip, which means what little privacy he could find was always ruined by an 11 year old who doesn’t care that he doesn’t want to be there. The bickering between them doesn’t stop, and after warnings from both Larry and Cynthia to get along they decide to just not talk, fearful that they would say something they would regret.

Connor can hear the commotion in the kitchen when he wakes up, shoving his head further into the pillow in an effort to block out the noise. All he wants is to sleep for the next 4 days until they go home, but he’s aware his mom won’t let that happen, and is probably going to force him to go out with them when she realizes he’s not at breakfast.

“We’re going skiing soon. Dad’s going to be mad if you don’t get up and eat something,” Zoe says when she throws open the bedroom door, Connor groaning. He reaches back to grab a spare pillow, tossing it in her general direction.

“‘m not going," He mumbles, Zoe rolling her eyes.

She grabs her clothes from her suitcase, turning back to her brother. “Mom and Dad are going to make you go, so if you don’t want to get yelled at then I suggest you just get up and deal with it. You’re ruining the whole trip by being miserable, Connor,” She says, slamming the bedroom door behind her.

Connor’s brief moment of peace doesn’t last long, and before he has time to roll over his mom is entering the room, going for a much gentler approach than his sister had. “Connor, sweetheart, it’s time to wake up,” She says quietly, the bed dipping as she sits down beside him. “We’re getting ready to head out to the slopes and I want you to eat something before we go.”

Connor groans, turning back and parting his eyes to look up at her. “I don’t want to go,” He says, and the lack of emotion behind his voice scares Cynthia. She can’t ever remember him being like this, and wonders if there isn’t something more going on.

She sighs, reaching out to brush his shaggy hair out of his eyes. He had been begging to grow it out, and while Larry was opposed to his son having long hair, Cynthia didn’t have the heart to stop him. “Connor, come on. You have to come skiing, you’re not sitting in this cabin all day,” She says carefully, not entirely surprised that Connor doesn’t answer.

She lets the silence linger for another minute, and when Zoe returns to throw her pajamas on her bed before leaving to go find her friends she takes it as her cue to get up. “Come on, baby. Get up and get ready, I’ll make you some breakfast when you come into the kitchen.”

She leaves without another word, but Connor doesn’t make any attempts to get up. He can’t find the energy, really, and he wonders if he just lays there and pretends that he’s fallen back to sleep they’ll just leave him alone.

It doesn’t work, and after a few more minutes of silence the door flies open, this time with a little more anger than before. “Connor, your mother’s already been in here and told you to get up.” It’s Larry, and Connor knows this is a battle he won’t win. “You have 5 minutes to get up and be in the kitchen, or your phone is gone for the remainder of the trip. You’re going skiing with us, and there’s nothing you can say that will change that.”

The door slams without another word, and not wanting to risk being yelled at in front of the Harris’ Connor gets out of bed, throwing on his snow pants and a sweatshirt before making his way out into the kitchen. Cynthia looks relieved to see him, watching him sink into a chair at the counter as she shuffles around to get him some breakfast.

She slides some pancakes in front of him, handing him some milk as he slowly begins to eat. “Come on, Connor. We’re going to be out there all day and I don’t want you to be starving before we take a break for lunch,” She smiles, occupying her time by cleaning up the rest of the kitchen.

“I don’t want to go,” He repeats, taking a sip of his milk. “I don’t feel good.”

Cynthia frowns as she sets the dish towel down, walking around to rest her hand against his forehead. “You don’t feel warm,” She sighs, looking at him. “I know you don’t like skiing, but this trip is almost over and then you don’t have to worry about skiing again at all this season,” Cynthia encourages, but Connor just rolls his eyes.

He finishes his breakfast and puts his things in the dishwasher without another word, going to put on his snow boots. Cynthia knows he’s going to be miserable for the day, just like he had been for most of the trip. She just hopes that he doesn’t lash out at his sister or anyone else with them, hating that they’re all walking on eggshells around her little boy.

—

Connor can’t express how much he hates skiing. It’s freezing, and the snow begins to pick up again as more and more people pack the slopes. He thinks about hiding in the lodge at the bottom of the hill for a while, but his mom follows him around as if he’s 6 years old and he knows that’s not a plan that’s going to work.

He lasts about an hour before complaining again, his nose bright red and the sniffling at an all-time high. Cynthia caves and brings him into the lodge for some hot chocolate, sitting down in oversized chairs by the windows.

Connor sinks back against the cushions as he holds the warm liquid in his hands, staring at his boots. All he can think about is going back to the cabin, but he can’t imagine Cynthia caving, not when they had just arrived for the day.

“Aren’t you going to drink anymore, baby? It’s going to get cold,” Cynthia says, nudging his foot with her own boot. Connor shrugs, and out of the corner of his eye he can see his mother frown. “Come on, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“I already said I don’t feel good,” Connor says, forcing himself to look up from his boots. He wonders if Cynthia believes him this time despite the fact that he is lying to her, and he just doesn’t want to be there.

She’s silent for a moment, studying her son as if she hadn’t seen him in years. Connor’s eyes shift away from her gaze, suddenly feeling vulnerable with her eyes studying him. “You do look a little pale,” She says carefully, and Connor tries not to get too excited. “I’ll text your father and bring you back to the cabin. Maybe you just need a nap and we can come back in the afternoon.”

Connor nods at that, standing up and following her back out of the lodge and down the road towards their cabin. He knows Larry is going to be mad at him, but in that moment he can’t find it in him to care.

He leaves his snow clothes by the front door to dry before going back into his bedroom to change into his pajamas. Cynthia comes in a few minutes later and sits down on the edge of the bed, her hand lightly rubbing his back.

“Roll over, let me feel your forehead,” She says, and reluctantly Connor does as he’s told, letting her hand feel his forehead again. It lingers longer this time, and Connor is positive she’s going to catch on, and they’re going to have to go back to skiing.

“You feel fine, don’t you?” She asks, Connor curling into himself as he nods slowly. Cynthia takes a deep breath, her hand resting against his arm. “Connor, why did you lie and tell me you didn’t feel well?”

Connor tries his hardest not to lash out at his mother, not to tell her to go away and just leave him be of the rest of the day. “I hate skiing, Mom. I don’t want to do it anymore, we’ve been doing it all week and I just can’t do it,” He groans, fully ready to be forced out of bed and back onto the slopes.

It’s quiet for a moment, and when Connor opens his eyes he finds his mother staring at him, her hand rubbing against his arm comfortingly. “I’ll tell your father you have a fever and I don’t think it’s best to have you out on the slopes today,” She caves, Connor’s face lighting up. “This isn’t happening the rest of the week though, Connor,” Cynthia warns, Connor nodding.

She quietly shuts the door behind him after kissing his forehead, standing in the hallway for a moment as she wonders if she’s made the right decision.

All she wants is to make him happy, and if this is what it is that gets him closer back to the Connor she knows, then she’s going to do whatever it takes.


	7. asking for help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where Connor lashes out but asks for help, and Larry doesn't understand

_Connor (13)/Zoe (12)_

“Zoe, shut up!” Connor yells at the dinner table, Zoe staring back at him with daggers that she thinks could kill him. “You don’t know everything! You’re just being a bitch!”

“Connor, that’s enough,” Larry says sharply, setting his wine down and looking at his son. “You do not talk to your sister like that, and you know it.”

Connor sucks in a sharp breath, his gaze shifting towards his father. “Oh, so she can just call me a psycho and say I have no friends and you’re not going to say anything to her? It’s just me that gets yelled at when I call her exactly what she’s being?” Connor says coldly, hearing his sister’s chair move against the hardwood floors.

“You’re such a freak,” She mutters, shaking her head as she brings her plate to the sink, disappearing upstairs.

Connor is seething with anger, and without really being able to control it he stands up from his own chair, not even flinching when it topples over onto the hardwood with a loud bang.

Connor’s much taller than Zoe, and skips the steps two at a time. “Fuck you, Zoe!” He yells, falling against her door just as she locks it. He bangs on it for a few moments, the anger taking over his body and seething through him. “I’m going to kill you!”

Connor feels himself ripped back away from banging on the door, but he’s too tired to fight. “In your room, now,” Larry yells, shoving Connor towards his own room. Connor slams his door out of frustration, throwing his books to the ground before falling on his bed, the tears falling as his body racks with sobs.

It’s quiet for a while, but when his door creaks open he hastily rubs at his eyes, shoving his face further into the pillow. He’s only half joking when he wonders if he could just suffocate and die right then.

“Sweetheart, are you awake?” It’s his mother, and while he knows he should answer and at least acknowledge that he’s listening, he can’t bring himself to do it.

The bed dips beside him, and it’s as if Cynthia’s hand is hovering inches over his back, too afraid to touch him in case it sets him off. He hates that he’s done this, but he knows it’s nothing that can change. “Look, I know your sister hasn’t been nice to you in the slightest. I know that she frustrates you and says things that are mean,” Cynthia begins, her hand finally coming in contact with the sweatshirt Connor refused to take off. “But you cannot act out in anger like this.”

There’s a silence in the room, and Cynthia wonders why she even got her hopes up that Connor would say something in response. “Your sister is getting in trouble too, by the way. We are not all against you. But when you lash out like this and tell your sister that you want to kill her, you know that’s unacceptable. I don’t care what anyone says to you, you do not tell them that you want to kill them.”

She waits a few minutes longer before standing up, turning back to look at her son. “You’re grounded for the foreseeable future. We love you, baby, but this has got to stop.”

“I want to get help,” Connor’s voice is quiet, almost as if he hadn’t said anything at all. Cynthia stops and turns around in the doorway, surprised to find that Connor has turned his head slightly to look at her, barely able to keep his eyes open.

“What?” She asks, walking back in as she sits down on the desk chair that she’s almost positive Connor doesn’t use.

Connor takes a deep breath, turning on his side as he picks at the loose string on his comforter. “I know this isn’t okay, Mom. But I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself from yelling at Zoe, or you, or Dad. I don’t know how to stop it,” He says, the tears falling again.

He’s embarrassed, really, because there’s nothing worse than crying in front of his mom. Cynthia frowns, moving over to the bed as she rubs his shoulder, pushing his shaggy hair out of his eyes. “I’ll talk to your father tonight, and we can start looking for therapists tomorrow,” She promises, but when Connor doesn’t seem to stop crying she moves to lay with him.

It’s the first time in years that Connor doesn’t push her away, but instead curls up against her. Cynthia holds him as if he’s 5 years old again, like he had just had a bad dream and he doesn’t want her to leave. This is so different to that moment though, and for the first time in a long time Cynthia feels helpless when it comes to her children.

“It’s okay, baby. We’re going to figure this out, we’re going to get you feeling better,” She promises, Connor nodding as he slowly begins to calm down.

Cynthia stays with him until he falls asleep, leaving a kiss on his forehead as she walks out of the room and back downstairs to find her husband.

“Did you ground him?” Larry asks when he hears her walk into the room, looking up from his laptop.

Cynthia sighs, sitting down on the armchair across from her husband. “Yes,” She begins, twisting her wedding ring around her finger. “But he told me he needs help.”

Larry furrows his eyebrows, setting his pen down against his keyboard. “Help with what,” He says flatly, and Cynthia can already tell that this conversation isn’t going to go as well as she had initially hoped.

“He told me he doesn’t know how to control his anger. He can’t control his lashing out and he wants help.”

Larry’s silent for a moment, his hand running through his hair as he finally makes eye contact with his wife. “He’s just saying that now because he’s in trouble for what he said to his sister. He’s doing it all for attention.”

Cynthia shakes her head, biting her lip as she struggles to think of the words to say to her husband. “You really think he tells his sister he wants to kill her for the attention? Something has been wrong with him for years, and he told me he wants help. Don’t you think we should at least entertain that idea? Find him someone he can talk to, get him evaluated by his doctor? Please, Larry. He’s our son, he needs us,” She says, Larry laughing bitterly.

“He’s just saying that so we won’t ground him and let him get away with the things he said to Zoe tonight and for the last few months.” Larry goes back to typing feverishly on his laptop, his eyes trained on the screen rather than on his wife.

Cynthia shakes her head, the anger in her eyes and the bitterness towards her husband coursing through her veins. “I’m getting him an appointment with the doctor in the morning, and I’ll do my own research on therapists,” She says, standing up slowly from her chair. “You may think he’s doing this for attention, but I am not letting my son ask for help without me doing anything to help him,” She says, turning back to walk towards the kitchen.

She doesn’t say another word to her husband that night, but spends hours in her office researching therapists in their area, wanting the best for Connor, even if her husband doesn’t.


	8. bullies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where Connor is bullied and he and Zoe share a moment that's rare and not expected

_Connor (14)/Zoe (13)_

It had been years since Zoe and Connor had acknowledged each other in school, let alone said a word. Zoe started distancing herself from Connor when his moods had started to change a few years back, and although he had started therapy she doesn’t think it’s really doing much. He still lashes out at her, he still yells at her when she hasn’t done a word.

Zoe’s a quiet kid in school. She’s not popular by any means, but she has a good group of friends who seem to understand her. She doesn’t talk much about Connor at all, but when things are tough and she needs to get out of the house, one of her friends is always there for her.

She walks into the cafeteria, meeting one of her friends in the entryway as they always do to walk to their table. “Hey, your brother was with a group of kids out in the hallway. I know you don’t like talk to him or whatever, but it didn’t look friendly.”

Zoe sighs, sinking down into her chair at the table. “He’s probably like, selling drugs or something. He’s messed up, it’s probably nothing,” She shrugs, pulling her lunch out of her backpack.

Another friend shows up at the table, her eyes immediately falling on Zoe. “Something is going on with your brother in the hallway,” She says, and Zoe is intrigued enough to get up this time.

She walks out of the cafeteria, turning the corner to find her brother cornered by three boys in his grade, saying something that she can’t quite make out. She hides herself behind the side wall, watching from afar to see what would happen. She knows she should probably get someone, but finds herself frozen in fear.

She gasps as the boy she recognizes as one of the older Harris’ punches her brother in the face, Connor’s head hitting the wall as he stumbles backwards. Another shoves him again while he’s off balance, and Connor falls to the ground. They shove him once more before walking off, and Zoe watches as Connor sits there for a moment, stunned as to what just happened.

She finds the courage to walk towards him, standing a few feet away as she bites her lip. “Connor?” She says quietly, jumping back when Connor’s head snaps up to look at her.

He’s startled by her presence, his arm draped over his stomach as he blinks quickly. “How much of that did you see?” He asks, his voice weak as he struggles to control his breathing.

Zoe tentatively takes a step forward, biting her lip. “All of it,” She whispers, bending down in front of him. “Connor, does this happen a lot?”

Connor just nods, staring at his shoes as he sits up a little bit. “You can’t tell anyone.”

Zoe shakes her head, her eyebrows furrowing. “Connor, you have to tell someone. This, this isn’t okay. Them beating you up isn’t okay. Did they even have a reason?” She asks, looking around to make sure they weren’t drawing attention to themselves.

“Did they need one?” Connor laughs, wincing as he sits up. Zoe reaches her hand out to help him, but pulls back when she remembers it’s Connor, and the last thing he wants is help from her.

“At least let me take you to the nurse. You’re eye is swelling shut,” She bargains, and she’s surprised when Connor nods, holding his hand out for her to help him up.

They draw some stares as they walk back in front of the cafeteria and down the hall to the nurse’s office, Connor trailing behind his sister. It’s awkward between the two of them, and for a moment Zoe wonders why she’s being so nice to someone who is so mean to her most of the time.

The nurse points to a seat for Connor to sit on, Connor dropping his bag at his feet as he slumps into the chair. Zoe stands awkwardly in front of him, and her hands wringing in front of her. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, Zoe. I know your friends are already going to tell you you’re insane for helping me.”

Zoe quickly shakes her head, slowly sitting down in the chair next to him. “I don’t really care what they think,” She says, Connor leaning his head back against the wall, staring at the girl watching the two of them. “Look, you’re a shitty person to me. But you’re being bullied, and you’re my brother. No one deserves to be punched in the face. Not even you.”

Connor doesn’t say anything to his sister, not wanting to lash out at her in the nurse’s office where he knows the principal will be called. Zoe doesn’t say anything either, but she also doesn’t leave him.

“I don’t really care what you say, I’m not telling Mom and Dad that I’m getting beat up at school,” He says quietly, squeezing his hand in and out of his fists. “I’m going to tell them that I fell in gym if they ask. You’re going to go along with it.”

Zoe sighs but nods anyway, not wanting to aggravate Connor anymore than she already has. “Fine. But you need to talk to someone about those kids. That can’t keep happening without someone being aware of it.”

“Telling will only make things worse. They’ll know that it’s me, obviously. They’re going to know that I ratted them out.”

“Then blame it on me. Say I told them that they were doing this to you.”

Connor laughs at that, taking the ice that the nurse was holding out to put on his eye. “They’ll go after you then,” He mumbles, his head finally falling to look at his sister. “Besides, having my sister come to my rescue is a weak move no matter who you are, sorry Zoe.”

“Is this why you’ve always hated the ski trips with the Harris’? Because he treats you like this?” Zoe asks tentatively after a few moments, feeling her brother’s eyes staring at her.

“There’s a lot of reasons I don't like those trips,” He concedes, Zoe looking over towards them. “But yeah, that’s one of them.”

Zoe sighs, checking the time as she stands up from her chair. “Lunch is almost over. I need to go get my stuff from my table,” She says, finding the whole situation awkward. “Did you want me to come back here and wait with you to make sure you’re okay?” She offers, Connor quickly shaking his head.

“One of us has to be the good kid and not the disappointment. You’re going to have to be that person, Zoe,” He gives her half a smile, Zoe nodding.

“I’ll see you on the bus, then,” She mumbles, Connor nodding.

“Thanks for um, for helping,” He says quietly, so out of character for Connor that it startles Zoe. She just nods quietly before slipping out of the nurse’s office without another word, a million thoughts running through her mind.

All she can hope is that Connor talks to someone about this and it stops, but she doesn’t have faith in her brother when it comes to this. She hates that this is their new normal, but is helpless on how to fix any of it.


	9. addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where Connor gets addicted, and Zoe feels helpless

_Connor (15)/ Zoe (14)_

Cynthia Murphy had had a lot of fearful moments in her 15 years of being a parent, moments where she had no idea what she was doing and was stumbling through life in hopes that she could find what worked best for her kids and help them through the moments that were hardest for them. Connor had always been the tougher of the two children, and most night Cynthia laid awake wondering if she really was doing everything for her son that desperately needed all the help they could provide.

Connor had often faked being sick to get out of things, so much that Cynthia and Larry had both stopped believing him whenever he would say it. Larry and Connor’s relationship had taken a downturn over the last year, and only got worse when Connor would try to find ways to skip out on school or family events. Cynthia had always been the more lenient parent, and found that she gave in to her son far easier than anyone else in his life.

When Connor begins complaining of a stomachache on a morning that Cynthia knows he has 3 tests that day, she’s weary to believe him. “Connor, you have to go to school, you can’t miss your tests today,” She sighs, Connor lifting his head off of the table, looking at his mom.

He sighs, and for a moment Cynthia wonders if he is telling the truth that time. “Mom, my stomach hurts really bad,” He repeats, Larry walking into the room before Cynthia can say anything to him.

“Connor, you’re going to school. No fake stomachache is getting you out of these tests you have today,” He says, sitting down at the table with his breakfast, Zoe sitting across from him.

Larry leaves without another word except for a mumbled goodbye to his family, and Cynthia is left trying to usher two teenagers out the door in time for the bus. Connor had stopped complaining, but when he slips his shoes on and promptly runs back to the bathroom to throw up, Cynthia realizes he wasn’t lying.

What she thought was just the stomach flu had ended up being appendicitis, and a few hours after she gets Zoe off to school she’s sitting in the hospital, waiting for Larry to join them before Connor’s surgery. Connor had been sleeping most of the morning, and as Cynthia stares at him hooked up to IVs and in a hospital bed she wonders how she couldn’t have seen just how sick he was when he first said it.

The surgery goes well, and after three days in the hospital Connor is sent home on heavy pain medication and the orders to take it easy for a while, something Cynthia thinks he’d be good at. What she isn’t expecting is the amount of pain he says he’s in, especially when the doctor said that he should be getting better every day.

He’s made his home on the sofa under blankets where Cynthia can get to him quickly if he needs her, and he’s able to get up and walk around without having to worry about stairs. She tries to keep her distance, but it’s hard when her son just had major surgery and needs her.

“Connor, you cannot have another pain pill right now. A few more hours and then I can give you one, I promise,” She soothes, handing him a glass of water.

Connor groans, his face twisting in pain as he sits up to take a sip. “But it hurts so bad, Mom. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore,” He says, and for a moment Cynthia contemplates just giving him the pain medicine he desperately wants.

“I know it does, sweetheart. Just try to relax, take deep breaths and maybe sleep. I’ll wake you up the second you can have another pill,” She promises, Connor nodding reluctantly as he sets his glass down on the coffee table with a soft thud.

He waits until Cynthia is upstairs before getting up himself, taking slow and calculated steps into the kitchen where he knows she’s left his prescription on the counter. Since being home he’s found the only thing that makes him feel better is the pain medicine, and while it takes the pain away, the real bonus is it pulls him away from the reality that is his life, and for a few hours he forgets about everything that’s wrong with him and the world around him.

The pain pills become an addiction for him, and instead of taking the two pills a day that he was allowed he took three or four pills when his mom wasn’t looking, always trying to find that relief from the pain he had been feeling both from the surgery and in his own life.

Cynthia worries what happened when the pills are gone earlier than they should be, but Connor only panics. The week of feeling like he was on top of the world was coming to a screeching halt, and he knew he needed to find a relief.

The pill addiction had turned into so much more, and for Connor he found that turning to weed was the next best option, and something that was easier to find than prescription pain pills. He uses the money he saved up to buy weed from a kid at school, and while it doesn’t do nearly the same things as his pain pills had, it takes him away from his life, and for a few hours he can forget about how fucked up he is.

Zoe watches her brother from afar when he’s back at school over a week later, sliding his money into the hands of a kid she had never seen before as he hands him a bag. She thinks about saying something, but thinks back to a few weeks before when Connor had threatened to kill her again, fearing that he’ll somehow follow through with it on his promise that time.

So instead she bites her tongue, waiting until her bedroom door is shut and she’s safe from her brother’s anger and wrath before she cries, wondering what she’s supposed to do when she wants to save him but he doesn’t want to save himself.

She decides to keep quiet, but wonders if she finds the courage to speak up if it would change anything.

All Connor can think about is the next time he can get high and have those few hours of pure bliss where nothing in his life is a mess and he’s not a failure to his family, never wanting to go back to the way he was. It was the only relief from his life in that moment, and he doesn’t want to stop the addiction that’s now taken over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the kudos/reading/love on this :)


	10. homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor comes home, and Zoe is apprehensive

_Connor (16)/Zoe (15)_

The first time Connor is sent to rehab, it’s because he had attempted to commit suicide. The decision to send him away was the hardest on Cynthia, who cried about it for days after he had left, wondering if it was the right decision for Connor. Larry begrudgingly goes along with it all, although he’s not entirely convinced that this still isn’t all just for attention.

Connor spends a month in the first rehab, Cynthia and Larry both in contact with his doctors and therapists to hear about his progress. There’s meetings on their ends to learn how to help Connor with his needs when he comes home, and both of them feel extremely overwhelmed when they begin to prepare to transition Connor.

Zoe is apprehensive about her brother coming home. For the month he had been gone she felt like their lives had been going smoothly. Their parents were still fighting, but Connor wasn’t there threatening to kill her or picking fights with her for no reason, and somehow that makes her life better. She doesn’t want to admit it, but Connor not being there had eliminated a lot of stress from her life.

Connor comes home on a Saturday, and Zoe makes it a point to not be there. She doesn’t think she wants to see her brother at first, and although both of her parents are disappointed in her for not wanting to support her brother, she can’t change her mind. Connor is awful to her, and although he’s had a month of rehab to get him on the right medications she isn’t optimistic it’s going to do anything to make him better.

Connor finds it weird to be in his parents car, leaving the rehab center he had slowly began to call home. He isn’t sure anything there helped him, but they have him on new medications and his therapists at the center have taught him new coping mechanisms, and he wants to try to let them work.

He had hoped that his parents would’ve worked on their own relationship and feelings about his mental health, but when he gets in the car and his parents seem to be tense, he knows they haven’t done anything.

The only sound in the car is from the radio, and Cynthia’s attempts to talk to Connor are met with short answers. “You can take a nap when we get home if you want,” Cynthia finally says, hear head leaning back against the headrest, stopping herself from looking at her son. “I’m sure it’ll be nice to be in your own bed.”

Connor just sighs, counting down the minutes until they’re back home and he can do just that.

He drops his bags by the door when they’re home, looking around. Part of him has his hopes up that Zoe will be there, but his mood drops instantly when he notices that her shoes are gone from their bins at the front door.

“She’s at her friends, sweetheart. I’m sure she’ll be home soon,” Cynthia says quietly as she walks in the door, Connor nodding.

He slips upstairs without another word, and Cynthia spends her morning fixing Connor some food and wondering where they go from here when everything feels so uncertain.

—

As the days pass and they slowly start falling back into a routine as a family of four, Zoe decides that rehab did nothing to help her brother. If anything he’s more distant now than he was previously, and everything they had been trying to do for him fell on deaf ears when it came to Connor.

Zoe avoids him most of the time, only talking to him when she has to. The only change she notices is that he doesn’t lash out at her like he had before, although sometimes she wishes he would. It would make things feel more normal now that he was back.

“Are you going to talk to any of us?” Zoe finally says when it’s just she and Connor home, Cynthia out picking up Connor’s new meds and a few other things from the grocery store and Larry off at work.

Connor tears his gaze away from the TV, looking at his sister. “Why should I? I’m probably just going to lash out at you and make everyone in this family hate me more than they already do.”

Zoe frowns, sitting on the arm of the chair across from her brother. He turns his attention back to the TV, but she knows she needs to say something now before there isn’t another chance.

“No one hates you, Connor. We want to help, but you’re not letting us. Ever since you’ve been home you’ve just holed yourself up in your room or watched TV and not talked to anyone. You just get your meds from Mom and eat dinner with us without saying anything, and then you go back to your room. Why won’t you just let us help?”

Connor laughs bitterly, and it’s the first time in months that Zoe is scared of him. When he turns to look at him she sees a different look behind his eyes, one that she hates and prays that it doesn’t etch into her brain like she thinks it will.

“You don’t want to help me,” He says, the evenness in his voice worrying Zoe. “You just want to be able to say that you tried to help me. This is all about you!”

Zoe quickly shakes her head, her eyes falling to stare at her lap. “That’s not true, Connor. It’s never been about me. It’s always been about you. Even when it should’ve been about me, they somehow made it about you. So you don’t get to sit here and say that I’m doing this for my own benefit, because that is the last thing I’m doing.”

It’s quiet for a moment, Zoe looking back at her brother. The anger behind his eyes is gone, but his lips are pressed into a scowl and Zoe fears that if she says anything else he’s going to blow up, just like he always does.

“Whatever, if you ever realize that not everything is being done for our benefit and you want to talk about things, you can come. But until then maybe stop trying to push everyone away just because you think for some reason we hate you,” Zoe says, standing up and walking upstairs before Connor has a chance to say anything.

Zoe can’t say she’s surprised when Connor doesn’t make any attempts to talk to her after their mini-fight. She’s not really expecting him to ever open up to her, or anyone really. All she wants is for him to stop pushing everyone away and realize that they’re not all out to get him.

Dinner that night ends up not being as tense as it normally is, and Connor manages to say more than a few words and pleases both of their parents. Zoe’s impressed as well, but she can’t convince herself it’s because of what she said to him earlier that day.

Zoe will never stop thinking that therapy hadn’t done anything for Connor, and any progress that she shows is merely a fluke. Connor somehow feels further away than ever before, and all Zoe can do is hope that there’s a miraculous turnaround that stops this nightmare from happening any longer than it already has.


	11. attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where things are tense on the first day of school, and Connor finds a way out.
> 
> TW: mention of pills/brief mentions (more implications) of suicide

_Connor (17)/Zoe (16)_

Connor slips into his seat at the breakfast table after Zoe, his head falling onto the table. The first day of school was always a struggle for both of the kids, but even more for Connor, who had been trying to think of ways to get out of going all morning, much to Cynthia’s dismay.

Larry sits down at the table, ignoring Connor as he sorts through his emails. After numerous fights about Connor’s recovery and how he had been acting Larry had shifted to an approach that included ignoring Connor for the most part, and while it worked, it wasn’t what Cynthia had wanted.

She brings over the pot of coffee to pour some from her husband, glancing down at her son. “Connor, honey, you have to eat something,” She says softly, although Connor doesn’t make any attempt to sit up and do as he’s told. “It’s your senior year, Connor, you are not missing the first day.”

Connor sighs, pulling his head away from his arms to look up at her. “I already said I’d go tomorrow,” He challenges, Cynthia rolling her eyes as she stares back at him.

“He is so high right now,” Zoe mutters as she takes a bite of her cereal, staring at her brother.

Cynthia’s attention shifting towards her daughter. “I do not need you picking at your brother right now. Besides, he’s not high.”

“Are you kidding?” Zoe questions, setting her spoon in her bowl. “Look at him, Mom! It’s so painfully obvious that he’s high, I don’t know how you can’t tell,” Zoe sighs, shaking her head.

“Are you high?” Cynthia asks, Connor looking up at her with a knowing look. It’s then that she notices his eyes are bloodshot and he’s much more relaxed than he normally is, and she can’t help but feel disappointment with her son for what he had chosen to do that morning. “Connor, I don’t want you going to school high. We’ve talked about this!”

Connor just shrugs, his eyes lazily following her around the kitchen. “So then I won’t go,” He shrugs, going to stand up from the table and walk back up to his room.

“You have to go to school, Connor,” Larry says, finally looking up from his phone.

Connor laughs bitterly before turning around to face his father. “So now you care? You only care when I have to do something?” He asks, his voice getting louder as he walks back into the entryway of the kitchen.

“You don’t listen! Why would I waste my time telling you things when you don’t listen to anything any of us have to say.”

“I don’t listen? Are you joking?” Connor asks, Cynthia biting her lip as she watches the fight escalate. “Maybe because the only fucking things you ever say to me is how nothing that these fucking doctors have me on work, or how I only want to go to fucking therapy and talk about my problems for attention! Why would I ever listen to that bullshit when I already know you don’t care. You’ve made that fucking clear from the beginning, Larry!”

Zoe slips out of the middle of the conversation and puts her bowl in the sink, walking upstairs before she has to listen to anymore. Cynthia wants to break it up, but she’s afraid of what will happen if she steps in, just like she’s always afraid of what could happen each time something like this happened.

“You don’t talk to me like that, Connor!” Larry says, his phone abandoned on the table as he stares at his son, anger behind his eyes. “It’s not our fault that you have been acting out for far too long for us to think that you want to get better! You’re not doing anything that the doctors tell you. You barely even take your meds that everyone claims should work, not that I think they do.” Connor is seething with anger at this point, balling his fists until his nails cut his palms, not wanting to throw something with his mom standing there.

“You just get high and hide yourself away from any responsibility in your life. I’ve had enough of this, Connor. You’re going to school, and there’s no other argument that you can say that will change my mind,” Larry says, his eyes narrowing as he stares at his son.

Connor just laughs softly, shaking his head as he feels the pain in his palms. “Fuck you,” He mutters, turning on his heels and walking upstairs.

Cynthia and Larry hear his door slam in the distance, and there’s so many things that Cynthia wants to say to her husband, but no words will form in her mind. Instead she just thinks about what made her husband like this to their own child, and wonders if it’ll ever change and Larry will be the supportive parent both Cynthia and Connor need him to be.

—

Connor ends up going to school, but it’s definitely _not_ because his father told him he had to. He went because he can’t stand to see the disappointment on his mother’s face any longer, knowing that he’s the reason she feels like this most of the time.

His hands shake at the thought of the pills he’s been stashing in his bedside table. They’ve been there for months now, waiting for the perfect moment. Connor didn’t know when that was, but as the day dragged on longer he realized that this was the perfect day to use them, praying that it worked this time and took him away from everything on this Earth that had caused him pain.

He didn’t plan on leaving a note. He didn’t think anyone would care why he did it, or what drove him to take his own life. It’s also hard for him to think of what to say in one, because there’s no circumstances where this would ever be normal for anyone to have to write. So he decides to just not write anything down, but he hopes that his family will understand why he’s doing what he’s doing.

Zoe drives them home, and the car is just as quiet as it is any other day. Connor can’t stop fidgeting in the passenger seat, but Zoe just figures that it’s because he needs weed, and she doesn’t say anything or bring up the fact that she’s noticed how he is.

Connor isn’t sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that no one is home when they arrive, but he slips upstairs and grabs the pills from the drawer, shoving them into his coat pocket. His hands are shaking, not that he thinks that’ll ever stop.

All he’s planned is where he wants to take the pills, underneath a tree where he had always gone to think. Zoe knows exactly where it is, she’s picked him up there a few times since getting her license when he’s been too drunk to walk himself home. He shudders at the thought of her finding him, but he also can’t bring himself to care to go anywhere else.

It’s unreasonably warm for the beginning of September, and Connor takes one last moment to breathe in his surroundings. He sinks down to sit against the dirt, his back against the trunk of the tree he had always come to think. There was no thinking now, however, and as he fishes the pills from his pocket he knows there’s no turning back.

He just prays it works this time and it’s painless, and that his family aren’t too upset when they realize that he’s gone forever this time, and there’s nothing that will fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just one more part to this :( 
> 
> in other (good?) news, i think i finally found a groove with the full fic, so hopefully i'll find the courage to start posting that at some point next week :)


	12. funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's funeral and the Murphy family's emotions.

_Connor (17)/Zoe (16)_

Connor’s funeral is a small and quiet one, saved mostly for family and a few people from school who Connor used to be friends with. Cynthia weeps through the whole service, a tissue wadded in her hand as she sniffles, her eyes fixed on the wood casket taking center stage at the head of the church.

Zoe had been the one to find Connor, four hours after they realized he was missing. Truthfully, she isn’t sure whether she hadn’t thought to check the orchard, or if her mind had blocked it out knowing what she would find there.

Connor was slumped against the trunk of the tree, his face pale and his lips blue. In the back of Zoe’s mind she knew he was gone, that there was nothing they could do to save him. She sobs as she calls 911 and then her parents, the sirens arriving faster than she ever thought they would. Zoe holds Connor, begging him to wake up, or move, or do anything to show that he’s alive.

She knows there’s no heartbeat, however, no matter what she tries to say or convince herself otherwise.

The medics whisk him away and Zoe is left alone in the orchard, her parents opting to drive straight to the hospital with a small glimmer of hope that he’s somehow still alive. Her feet carry her back to her car, where she sits in the driver’s seat with the music blaring.

Her hands punch the steering wheel, hurting her more than it’s helping, and she lets out the sobs that she’s been holding in, her body heaving. She doesn’t need the phone call from her parents, she knows her brother is gone. She knows the demons won, and the battle had been fighting for years with almost no help was over.

Yes, he was abusive towards her. He was mean more than he was nice for most of their teenage years. But he was her _brother_ , and she knew that she was going to miss him despite her attempts to tell herself that it’s better off this way.

Zoe doesn’t remember how most of the week went. There were a lot of hushed conversations between her parents, a lot of planning a funeral that really almost happened quite a few times in years prior. She doesn’t help with any of that, not sure that her input is really what her parents want or need in that moment.

Now she finds herself sitting in a pew at the church they had been going to since they were born, her mother on one side and her grandmother on the other. Her mother hadn’t stopped crying, but her father, who had been sat on the other side of Cynthia holding her hand, hadn’t so much as let a tear fall.

In fact, Zoe can’t remember him crying at all since they had found out the news. He had been the one to keep it all together, making the arrangements and figuring whatever else it was out while Cynthia mourned the loss of her son, just like Zoe thought both of her parents would.

The walk to the cemetery behind Connor’s casket is emotional, Zoe’s hand in her mother’s. Zoe realizes she’s doing it for Cynthia’s support and not her own, but nevertheless she doesn’t pull her hand away until they’ve reached Connor’s burial site, and the pallbearers set the casket down on the pillars.

Cynthia can’t think of anything that feels more real than listening to the priest as she stares at her son’s casket. In minutes it’s going to be lowered into the ground, and everything is going to feel real. Connor is really going to be gone, and this time there’s no help in the world that she could get to save him. Her little boy has left the Earth, and her life will never be the same.

She can’t understand how her husband hasn’t shed a tear. He was stoic, never one to show his emotions, but in the wake of losing their oldest child and only son she would’ve thought that would’ve been enough to get him to break that. To show how much he was hurting as well.

It made Cynthia wonder if he was even hurting at all.

Then there was Zoe. Her face was blank as she stared at the casket in front of her, fully aware that her brother was in there, and this was all too real. Cynthia knew she had cried a few times, but not like Cynthia had been. She thinks it’s because of how rocky her children’s relationship was, and how Connor was mentally abusive to Zoe. Zoe didn’t have many good memories of her brother, and she found it harder to be upset that he was gone, especially knowing that this hadn’t been his first attempt.

Zoe is the first to take shaky steps forward and rest a flower on his casket, a final gesture before they were whisked away so they didn’t have to see Connor be lowered into the Earth. It’s a morbid thought, Zoe thinks, knowing that in a few minutes this will all be over, and the nightmare that is reveling in Connor’s death will be forgotten about.

Zoe takes a step away from the small group surrounding the gravesite, staring out among the sea of tombstones. It’s as if everything hits her at once, and before she has a chance to stop herself and keep her composure in front of family and virtual strangers, her legs collapse from underneath her.

She lets out the most strangled sob, echoing through the bare rows of the cemetery. In a moment her mother is by her side, Cynthia’s hands pushing through her daughter’s hair, trying to calm her down when she was still so upset herself.

“Just let it out, Zoe. It’s okay to cry,” She soothes, although Zoe wants to do anything but cry. She can feel sympathetic eyes staring at her as people walk back to their cars, and she wants to lash out, tell them to stop staring at her and let her live.

“I don’t want to be upset,” Zoe says when she’s calmed down slightly, her eyes glassy and her makeup running when she looks up at her mother. “He was the worst brother, why am I so upset that he’s gone?”

Cynthia frowns, her bottom lip quivering as she tries not to cry along with her daughter. “He was your brother, Zoe. It’s normal to grieve for him and the life that was lost while still acknowledging that you didn’t have the best relationship,” She whispers, helping her stand up as they make their way back to the car.

Zoe spends the ride home letting her mother’s words ring through her mind. Connor hadn’t been a good brother, in fact he had been one of the worst brothers, but Zoe still loved him. She loved the Connor before he changed, and she decided that she was mourning the loss of him, and not the one who was emotionally abusive to her for most of their teenage years.

She’s exhausted when they arrive back at the house, bouquets of flowers and dinners lining their kitchen and dining room from neighbors and friends who wanted to express their sympathy. The thought made Zoe’s skin crawl, because most of the people who sent things had been the same people who drifted away when Connor started getting worse.

“I’m going to go get changed and lay down. I’ll be down for dinner,” Zoe mumbles to no one in particular, slowly making her way up the steps.

She stops just in front of Connor’s door, half-open with his room exactly how he had left it the afternoon this had all happened. She’s not ready to go inside, not ready to look through her brothers things in search for any clues that this was something he had been planning.

Instead she walks into her own bedroom, stripping herself from her dress in favor of pajama pants and one of Connor’s t-shirts from before he took a turn, the same shirt she had been sleeping in for all these years.

Her head falls face first into her pillow, letting the events from that day sink in, for the first time letting herself realize that her brother is gone.

Zoe’s life would forever be defined by her life with Connor and her life without, and right now she isn’t sure how to deal with that.

All she can do is come to terms with her brother’s death, somehow searching for the answers on how she’s meant to move on from something like this. If there’s one thing she knows for sure it’s that her brother couldn’t deal with his life anymore, and felt like the only way out was to take his own life.

Connor Murphy would be gone forever, and the Murphy’s would somehow find a way to get through this and always remember the son and brother who had never been able to get the help and happiness that he needed or deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sad this story is over :( thank you to everyone who's read it, left kudos and commented <3
> 
> i feel like working through this story and rereading for editing has re-sparked inspiration in the much longer DEH fic i had been working on. chapters are much longer than this story and a different plot line (not as sad, but definitely still some sadness), so hopefully i'll start uploading that this week if you'd like to read it :)
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think! all 12 are written, and i'll either update every day or every other day, i haven't decided yet :)


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